I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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