Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
