Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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