Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
