and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
