did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
