I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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