I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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