Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
