i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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