I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
we're so committed to being not committed
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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