she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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