there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
