She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
