Your dad touched me again.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
