I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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