I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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