He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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