So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
