Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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