Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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