but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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