Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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