I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
