I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
