Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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