Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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