My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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