This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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