She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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