i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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