I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
