So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Did I show you my penis last night?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
