i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
