dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Randomize
