"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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