I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
