Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
