You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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