I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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