batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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