why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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