he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
