There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
