Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
