Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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