a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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