Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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