Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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