So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Drunk is not a location!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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